19: Lament Impromptu
by Silent Elegy
Summary: Danny is trapped in a bad Broadway musical. His wouldbe twin has escaped her cage yet again, and her creator seems disinclined to help. There's only one way to fight an author, and that's with another author. Too bad the only one he knows is Ghost Writer.
1. Prologue

Disclaimer: Danny Phantom and all related characters are the product of Butch Hartman and Nickelodean Studios. Kat/Electra, Fiona/Contrivance, Elegy, Nocturne, and Lament are the property of Silent Elegy.

PreNote:Things were getting too serious, and it's not looking to get much better for a while. Upon realizing this, I decided that now was a good time for a new parody. Today, I'll be parodying fics that try to be musicals. I can't write songs. This should be interesting.

I also feel I should take this moment to warn you that I have no more idea what's happening than you do. This is pure improv.

* * *

Reality flickered into focus and took the shape of a bright red digital display that read 6:58 AM. After a moment, the sleeping boy rolled over, muttering incoherently, and tried to go back to sleep. He was aware enough to note the passage of time, but not so much that random visions of people stopped dancing through his head. On one level, it all made perfect sense. On another, he wondered what was taking his alarm so long. 

It wasn't that he wanted to get up, of course. What he wanted was nothing more than to sleep until noon, maybe wake up to have lunch, and then go back to bed for a few hours. It had been a long night. An hour later, he glanced at the clock again to see that only a minute had actually passed, and spared the brief nanosecond before closing his eyes again to wish he had time powers like Clockwork. He would so stop time and just sleep…

The sudden sound of a trumpet fanfare sent him screaming to his feet. Sadly, because he was still in bed at the time, he tripped over his legs and landed on the floor tangled in the bed sheet. The door to his room slammed open, and before he even had a chance to consider reacting, Jack Fenton poked his head in and sang in a low baritone, "Good morning!"

Immediately following this, Maddie did likewise, in a higher pitch. "Good morning!"

And Jazz. "Goodmorning!"

Whereupon, all three of them struck a chord together. "Good morniiiing!"

It was like something out of a bad Broadway musical. Maddie slid into the room and began a dance routine. "It's a beautiful day…"

"The sun's shining bright…" Jack continued, bouncing at the knees in time to the source-less music.

Jazz slid to a kneel in front of her mother, arms out in a joyous pose. "Time to wake up…from the dreams of the niiiight!"

Then they were all tap dancing in a line. Jazz and Maddie harmonized, "And so that's why we saaaay…"

"Why…we say…" Jack added for good measure.

They finished the musical interlude together with, "Good morning…to you…this daaay!"

Then they were gone, and the door slammed shut. Danny blinked and stared after them for several minutes before his brain decided to resume normal function and wonder what exactly had just happened. "Okay…" he muttered, standing.

Suddenly, he was certain that it was going to be a long day.


	2. Chapter One

Danny stared into his cereal, idly wondering if a jury in the world would convict him. The situation would have been laughable if he weren't so worried about the ghost responsible. It had to be a ghost, after all. People didn't suddenly break out in song and dance on their own. Most didn't, at least. And the ones that did knew what they were doing. The Fenton family didn't seem to realize anything was amiss.

It had to be Erik, back for revenge. True, the little shade was more likely to force everyone into the roles of Phantom of the Opera characters. He was also the only one Danny knew who could bend others to his will. On the other hand, he was usually only found following Ember around like a lost puppy.

There was Ghost Writer, of course. But he would be more likely to write reality-bending poetry than Broadway musicals.

Of course, it could have been Silver. Having just come from dealing with her thirty years in the future, he was more than willing to believe she was behind everything. Except, of course, that it wasn't nearly vicious enough. Did that mean anything? There was music playing, but no band. That could mean it was all in his head, and she was the only person who could have been responsible for such a realistic hallucination.

And finally, he could have just gone completely insane. He wasn't very keen on entertaining that option, however.

"Danny, you look down," Jazz announced.

He realized that the music had changed to something more upbeat and froze. "I'm okay," he muttered cautiously, hoping to head off the musical number before it got started. No such luck.

The drumbeat picked up marginally as Maddie said, "Now, there's no need for a frown."

"But, Maddie," Jack whined. "It's Monday, and that's got everyone down."

"You already said down," Danny pointed out. Futilely it seemed, since they went on as though he hadn't spoken.

"It's…Mon…day…morning; it's a brand new day," Maddie began, earning an exasperated whine from her son. "But that doesn't mean…that…there's no time to play."

"I'm just going to go wait for the bus," Danny informed them, sliding out of his chair and slinking out of the room. Right then, he didn't even care that the bus wouldn't run for another twenty minutes. Jack was about to add his two cents, and that was even scarier than randomly meeting Fiona on the street.

Wait.

Danny whirled around. He was treated to a split second of injured confusion on his would be twin's face before she brightened again. "I thought you didn't see me!" she explained brightly. "Hi!"

"What are you doing here?" the boy asked, backing away lest she decide to overshadow him and turn into a girl again.

She thought for a moment, an action that clearly cost some effort by the way she twisted her face into a "thinking" expression. Or maybe she just thought it was cute to do that. There really was no telling. "I wanted to be…um, you…near…Oh, forget it." She laughed apologetically. "I'm really bad at rhyming."

Danny stared for a moment, then looked around at the happy people singing the Monday Morning song. Suddenly, it all made perfect sense: his family behaving oddly…everyone on the sidewalks singing and dancing like lunatics… "This is Elegy's doing, isn't it?"

"Nope!"

Danny thought for a moment. "Nocturne?"

"Nope!"

Well, that was good. Nocturne was evil incarnate. "Then who is it?"

Fiona grinned and danced around on the balls of her feet. "I'm not telling! Mainly because I don't know myself. I'm just here to make you crazy!"

"It's working." Danny turned away and continued for the bus stop. The girl trailed along behind, humming and tap-dancing to the beat.

"La, da di di doo…dooby dooby doo…"

"Would you knock it off?" the boy snapped, though there wasn't much force in it.

"But it's Monday-ee!" she answered brightly. "The sky are orange and green…"

Danny placed his hand over his eyes and snickered at sheer unexpectedness. "You and Kat…the sky is blue."

Fiona giggled. "But I made you laugh!"

"Okay, wait," he said suspiciously. "First, you show up and try to take over my life. Then you show up and turn me into a girl even though you knew I was hating it. Now, you just want to make laugh?"

Skipping along beside him, she shrugged. "I have to torment my brother."

Several minutes went by. "You're not my sister."

"I could be," she answered wistfully.

Danny stopped and turned to face her. "No! We are not doing this again. You and I are not twins. We are not even related."

Fiona stuck her lower lip out. "We could be," she persisted. "You accepted that stupid clone Danielle; why not me?"

"That was different."

She opened her mouth, stopped as though listening to something, then sighed. "Can we be friends?" she pleaded.

She looked so desperate. After a moment, Danny rolled his eyes and resumed walking. "I'll think about it." Then he froze for a completely different reason.

He was not the only person at the bus stop.

Not that he really expected to be; there were always a few kids who showed up early. There may have been as many as two or three, but not all nine of them. And they certainly didn't line dance to a source-less country/rock beat while singing, "We're waiting for the bus." Sam was arm in arm with Dash. A light tap on his shoulder drew his attention to a camcorder that was pressed into his hands moments before Fiona squealed happily and ran off to dance with Tucker. He stared down at it for a few seconds, then grinned evilly and turned it on.

They wouldn't be his friends if he didn't torment them once in a while. He continued filming the insanity as the bus arrived and their usual "loading procedure" morphed into something that resembled "Singing in the Rain."

"Getting on the bus!" they sang. "Oh, we're getting on the bus!"

"I don't wanna go to school," Dash announced. "But my mom makes a fuss!"

"Mine tries to make me wear pink," Sam replied, her personality shining through the influence. "Why can't she accept me for who I am?"

A nerd whose name Danny could never recall jumped onto the steps, arms outstretched, to warble, "I just don't like getting stuffed in the trash can."

"Are they going to do this all day?" Danny asked in a stage whisper.

Fiona, twisting along to the beat, tried to sing her reply. "Hmm, hmm, I don't know…something, something, May…" The boy rolled his eyes.

Finally, everyone made it into the bus save the errant wannabe half-ghost. Although the process took no longer than usual according to the time on Tucker's PDA, Danny could have sworn it did. In fact, it had probably had. It wouldn't have surprised him in the slightest to learn that Elegy could control time in addition to everything else. Just on the off chance that she could hear him, he thought about how nice it would have been to be allowed to sleep.

No reply. Naturally.

Everyone quieted down; the music settled to something soft and slow. He made the mistake of thinking that he would be allowed to enjoy some peace for a while. Perversely, a piano _decrescendo_'ed up the musical scale, and the bus driver began a quiet ballad while the kids in the first few rows sang back up. "It's time for school…"

"It's time for school…"

"So obey the rules…" Danny dropped his head into his hands and wondered why the force responsible couldn't think up a more original line.

"…obey the rules…"

"There's no talking, or standing, or walking around…or behaving like fools."

"No acting like fools."

"As we drive to school this way…" the driver continued, oblivious to the discussion behind him. "No annoying me, and no loud horseplay. It's time for school…It's tiiiime…for…schoooooool."

Fortunately, the singing was kept to a quiet minimum after that, although Danny still caught isolated wisps of conversation. Talking to his friends became an exercise in tolerance since they seemed unaware of what they were doing. All attempts to convince them that they were singing met with blank stares and exchanged glances. Eventually, he gave up and tried not to be irritated with them for rhyming with everything he said. It wasn't their fault.

Upon finally arriving at school, he trudged through halls to first period and dropped into his seat with a resigned sigh, fully expecting History to be as boring as ever with the added annoyance of constant rhyming and possible singing. He didn't pay much attention when the music switched to something more upbeat.

That is, he didn't pay much attention until the lights went out and a disco ball dropped down from the ceiling.

And still, no one seemed to notice. They continued to not notice as the most boring man in the world slid through the door in full disco regalia and began to imitate Mack Daddy Travolta from Saturday Night Fever. Danny clapped his hands over his mouth to stifle his laughter; unsurprisingly by then, no one noticed that, either.

* * *

A/N: And in other news, my profile page now features a link to my Deviant Art page. There's a couple pics of Silver, and one of Necrowind. I'm not that great, but Pen is, and you can reach her page by clicking on ToniPendragon down in my Watched By list. Pen is a graphics goddess (who draws pictures of Kat_ /fangirl squeal/_). 


	3. Chapter Two

It was so nice not to be on the receiving end of a ghost's curse. Granted, it wasn't the work of a ghost, but it was definitely a curse.

Not that anyone seemed to notice.

Part of him knew he should do something, and part of him wondered why. He didn't quite trust Elegy after she let Nocturne run amok, but she had seemed truly sorry. There was just something about her, like she was hiding something. Normally, he would even have spent class time trying to figure it out, but he was otherwise occupied.

It was a ballet.

Dash and Kwan were wearing tutus.

It was all Danny could do to remain in his seat. Although, he had a suspicion that no one would notice if he fell out of it laughing. And that was a very good thing because he was about to.

The music seemed to be a variation on something from The Nutcracker Suite, mostly dominated by violins and flutes. There was no singing, but from what he gathered, it was "We Hate English No. 5 in D-Sharp Major." The boys pranced about, surprisingly light on their toes, while Lancer appeared to be scolding them. Terrifyingly enough, he was also wearing a tutu.

A faint sound drew his gaze toward his desk and the paper airplane that had landed there. He glanced around to see Valerie giving him a strange look; nothing he wasn't to, but at least it still wasn't hostile. He unfolded the note, which said simply, 'Are you seeing this?'

Biting back a grin, he wrote, 'Relax. It's not a ghost,' and threw it back to her.

A few minutes later, it hit him in the side of the head. He turned to glare and received a playful smirk in response. 'Then what is it?'

Graphite touched paper before he realized that he had no idea how to answer. Valerie knew about Elegy from reading his journal, but he couldn't remember what he'd written and had no idea what Kat might have edited out. At last, he replied, 'I'll tell you later.'

The music stopped, the boys sat down, and Danny reached out to his camcorder, positioned on the edge of his desk. Then Lancer started to sing. After the initial cringe, he decided to leave the camera running and leaned back again. He was not disappointed.

"Beowulf" was not lounge music, and the Vegas showgirls that appeared from out of nowhere were not conductive to learning. The sight of them dancing around Lancer, still clad as a ballerina, was just too much. There was a muffled snerk as Valerie clapped her hands over her mouth. Danny was simply grateful no one was able to perceive him drop his head onto his desk and laugh helplessly. He was almost sorry when school let out, although it was definitely worth seeing Sam and Tucker lead the "School's Out At Last" overture.

"I hear the last bell ring!" Tucker announced excitedly.

Sam jumped onto her desk victoriously. "That can only mean one thing!"

Suddenly, the room was a flurry of activity as the rest of the class joined in. "School's out! School's out! It's out at last!"

"It's time to go home!" Paulina squealed.

"Beat feet! Move fast!" two of the other students called as they raced out the door.

"Monday's over and done," Tucker sang poorly. "Now, the fun can begin."

"I'm getting out of the sun!" Sam informed everyone.

Jumping away from the stampede, Lancer yelled, "Huckleberry Fin!"

"Priceless…" Danny muttered, shaking his head. He spared a moment to wonder where the dancing girls had disappeared to before following the students into the hall, camera in hand.

"This is insane!" Valerie hissed, sneaking up behind him. "Are…are you filming this?" The boy nodded smugly. "…Can I have a copy?"

Danny snickered and nodded again.

Returning to business mode, Valerie demanded, "How can you say this isn't a ghost?"

"Danny!" Fiona squealed, interrupting whatever response he might have made. She dashed up to capture him in a brief hug before he could get away. "Isn't this fun? This is fun! I'm having fun! Are you having fun? Hi, Valerie! Isn't this fun?"

"Still not a ghost," Danny said as Valerie opened her mouth. "Valerie, Fiona. Fiona, why are you here?"

She danced around on the balls of her feet, twisting and bouncing. "Master said I could come play if I wasn't too annoying and you said it was okay and I stayed out of the way and this is fun!"

"She's like a sheltie on a sugar rush…" Valerie mentioned. "Wait, you're the one who tried to take over the city, aren't you?"

"Well, not the whole city," Fiona protested. She sniffled and pouted, completely exaggerating. "I was just trying to get people to like me. Like Brother Danny!"

Danny shut off the camera and rolled his eyes. "Fiona, we've gone over this. I'm going to see if I can find Elegy and get her to stop. Do you want to come?"

There was a pause while Valerie realized he was talking to her. She nodded, and they moved off, leaving Fiona behind.

* * *

Valerie took a deep breath and resisted the urge to go for her weapons. After several minutes spent staring uncomfortably at each other, Danny had simply transformed. It wasn't the first time he'd done it in front of her, but it was the first time that counted. It was the first time they weren't occupied by more important matters. After a moment, she summoned her equipment. It felt like she should be trying to kill him, but they simply continued to stare.

Then a barking, yipping mass of black and white fur bounded between them and the spell was broken. Danny shouted as he was knocked to the ground, and Valerie collapsed against the wall, laughing.

"Fiona!" he gasped. "Why are you a dog?"

"Are you sure it's her?" Valerie asked, snickering.

"Black and white with glowing green eyes?" the boy sighed as he finally found his feet. "Oh, yeah. It's her." She yapped and raced in a circle.

"Oh, I get it!" the ghost hunter exclaimed. "Now, she _is_ a sheltie on a sugar rush." Fiona puffed out her chest, tongue lolling happily. "So she's a shape shifter?"

"Something like that. Come on." He drifted into the air and waited for her to join him on her jet sled before flying off. "Elegy usually hangs out in this coffee shop a few blocks from the house."

"And she's not a ghost?"

She'd never seen a ghost turn that particular shade of red before. "More like an…alien…" he explained, almost apologetically.

Valerie bit off what she'd been about to say. If there could be ghosts, why not aliens? Was it really that much of a stretch? She followed him down to an alley to dismiss their respective alter egos and around the corner where he stopped in confusion. "Are we lost?"

"It was right here," he replied, pointing to a section of blank wall. He stared around as though the answer would suddenly jump out of hiding. In fact, he wouldn't have been at all surprised if it did.

Valerie looked around as well and shook her head at the bustling sidewalks. People sang and twirled like something from a Disney movie, as though they hadn't a care in the world. Part of her wondered if it was really that bad, and she had to work to remind herself that Elegy needed to be stopped.

Something screeched nearby, and the two teens whirled to see an organ grinder and a monkey. They exchanged glances, chuckling in bemusement. In all the strange things happening, the sight still managed to be out of place. The grinder wore a traditional theater Comedy mask. The suit, of a type one would see on a circus ringmaster, was tight enough in the chest that it didn't mask her gender. Her monkey removed its little green fez and held it upside down, begging Valerie for a coin or two.

"Oh, it's cute!" she couldn't help but exclaim, kneeling down for a better look.

"My dear," the grinder said. "If Puck standing enchants, a single quarter will see him dance. Adorable, free, but monetarily anointed, I guarantee you won't be disappointed." Puck screeched again and blew a raspberry.

For just a moment, Valerie thought about saying no, then decided it couldn't hurt anything. Laughing, she dropped a quarter into his little hat. He snatched her hand before she could withdraw and planted a sloppy kiss on the back, then dashed across to give his treasure to his mistress.

Danny grinned at the simple joy on Valerie's face as she watched the little monkey dance. Suddenly, he was very glad she had found out about him. Something nagged at the back of his mind, but he shoved it away. Maybe Elegy needed to be stopped, and maybe she didn't. Right then, he couldn't seem to care.

Finally, the music ground to a halt. Puck and his handler took an extravagant bow, then wheeled away to hunt for more customers. The source-less orchestra picked up again. Valerie stood and brushed off her knees. "He was adorable. I've never seen a real organ grinder before."

"You want to go do something?" Danny asked after a moment. He gestured around. "It's not like this is hurting anyone, and Elegy might stop on her own."

Valerie blushed slightly and nodded, and the two of them wandered off, hand in hand.


	4. Chapter Three

It didn't stop. There was no music all night long. Then seven o'clock rolled around, and Danny was rousted from his bed once again by the sound of trumpets. Previous experience had convinced him that Elegy could read his mind, so he spent most of the morning thinking black thoughts at her for not letting him sleep in.

Then Mrs. Tetslaff walked into Home Ec. wearing a slinky evening gown. It was blue, and it glittered. The only thing that could be worse was if Lancer suddenly did likewise, so it was with no surprise that he suddenly did likewise. "Are you trying to scar me for life?" Danny asked the ceiling. Valerie snickered a few desks away.

"Could be worse," she pointed out. "They could be doing a conga line or something."

Danny cringed. "You shouldn't have said that. Now, they will."

"No, they won't," the girl argued. At that moment, the bell rang, and the students and both teachers lined up to conga line from the room.

"Told you."

They trailed after the line, trying not to get caught up in it. The conga line was like an epidemic; everyone it came into contact with was somehow engulfed by it until practically the entire school had happily become involved. Danny briefly thought about how horrible and terrible and wrong it would be if it caused them to miss second period.

"Oh, give me a break!" Valerie jumped and whirled around, ready for a fight. Danny merely grinned, turning at a more sedate pace. "Do you really think reverse psychology works on me?"

"It got you here, didn't it?" he pointed out smugly.

Elegy took a breath, turned a most fascinating shade of red, and muttered, "Okay, point."

"Wait a minute!" Valerie exclaimed. "That's Elegy? You said she was an alien; I was thinking…" She trailed off and shook her head. Suddenly, her expectation of little green men seemed a bit goofy. And she didn't much care for that knowing expression on the woman's face. Surely, she couldn't read minds…

"Well, not exactly," Elegy mentioned, earning a questioning look from Danny. "Anyway, I really shouldn't be here, but you keep attributing this…debacle to me."

The teens exchanged glances. "It's not you?" Danny asked suspiciously.

The woman blinked, then huffed and folded her arms. "When's the last time I directly interfered in the way your wor-work-world works, huh? Fiona's done it; Nocturne's done; and both times the only r-reason I showed up is because I…I was ch-ch-chasing them. Dang it all! Now, you've g-got me going again!"

Danny decided to ignore the accusation and simply be grateful for the proof that he was, in fact, dealing with Elegy. "Then if it's not you, who is it?" he demanded.

The woman tried to smirk and failed miserably, but it seemed to get the point across. "I was going to tell you," she replied, speaking slower. "But now I'm feeling v-v-vin-dic-tive. See ya!"

Then she was gone as though she had never been. After a moment, Valerie shook her head slowly. "Now, what do we do?" she sighed. "How do we beat someone that can bend reality like this?"

Danny was about to say that he didn't know when a memory flashed across his mind. "With someone else that bend reality, of course," he laughed. "Wait here."

"No way, _ghost_!" Valerie protested, letting the simple word emphasize her feelings on certain subjects. "I'm coming with you!"

"I'm going into the Ghost Zone."

There was pause while the young hunter weighed her chances of coming out alive, pronounced them good enough, and settled on simply not wanting to be there. "I'll wait here."

* * *

One day in the not so distant past, Technus and Skulker got into a huge fight over ownership of the Ghost Zone side of the Fenton Portal. The event caused a massive riot that finally culminated into eighty-three arrests and the Fenton Portal being barricaded for weeks. Walker was livid to the point that dimensional travel even under one's own power was expressly forbidden. Anyone caught by Danny and sent back through earned a mandatory hundred-year sentence. It had, in fact, gotten to the point that Walker chased delinquents through himself, and Danny was the only one immune to his wrath for reasons he had yet to learn. 

The boy looked around furtively at the lonesome barricades and wondered what had happened. It wasn't like Walker to just abandon his post. He shrugged and flew on, simply grateful that he wouldn't be chased on his way.

Something was different other than the obvious. Rock music blasted through Ember's open door. Looking around, Danny realized that many doors were open. Walker never tolerated that. Suddenly, the boy was a little worried; change might be a good thing in the Ghost Zone, but he wouldn't bet money on it.

Not that it mattered right then. No one paid him the slightest bit of attention. They were far too busy having a huge party that had nothing to do with Elegy, or the Force Responsible's, influence. He was tempted to find out what had happened, but the sight of several of his worst enemies doing the Can-Can, complete with long skirts and fishnet stockings, drove the thought from his mind. He had just enough time to wish he'd brought his video camera before he felt its weight around his neck. With a brief thank you, he switched it on and focused the lens on the dancing ghosts, taking care to get a nice close-up of Plasmius for future black mail.

Finally, however, he did arrive at his destination. The doors were open, which was unusual for libraries in general. A wavering music staff flowed out, complete with notes, and the dancing girls from the day before were back. Danny drifted past them, uncertain exactly what to think until he saw the chaos within. He tried desperately not to laugh as he asked, "Why are there daisies-"

"Don't ask!" the Ghost Writer snapped. He swatted at an owl that appeared out of nowhere and returned to frantically typing. The potted daisies sitting on his head vanished at last only to be replaced by a robin's nest. "There is no logic!" he wailed, giving up for the moment. "How can anyone possibly write such…such…sugar-high randomness?"

Danny snickered. "Her name's Elegy," he offered.

"Yes, I know. Sadly, I know. She's tried doing this to me before. And now, you're here, and I fear she's won at last." He pulled the bird's nest down and set it on an available section of keyboard to stand and pace. "How can I combat such disregard for sanity? How can anyone call himself a writer who writes such drivel? It's…cheating!"

"Wait, she's a writer?" Danny interrupted, earning a bemused stare. Although, thinking back, it did explain her tendency towards literary terms. "So…she has powers like yours, then."

Ghost Writer scoffed. "Please. I'm twice the author she will ever be. The fact that she has resorted to this," he gestured toward the singing roses that were slowly climbing his bookshelves, "only proves that." He made a face as a monkey landed on his shoulder and started picking through his hair.

Danny covered his mouth to muffle his laughter for a moment, then froze. "Wait a minute…I know that monkey!"

Puck jumped across to the Quantum Keyboard and pressed a key at random. Ghost Writer, suddenly shifting to overprotective author mode, lunged forward to swat at the little creature. "Hey, get off of that! My keyboard is not a toy!" Rather than listen, Puck merely leaped out of the way, screeched happily, and started jumping on the keys.

Danny didn't pay much attention as author and monkey played Pop Goes the Weasel around the room, complete with appropriatemusic. His mind had drifted back to the day before to the out-of-place organ grinder. Something had bothered him about that meeting, and he just realized it was because she spoke in rhyme. Considering the circumstances, it was less the rhyming and more the speaking. Everyone else around sang, but not her. In fact, it occurred to him that the orchestra had stopped playing while she had turned the crank of her small barrel organ.

With a sly smile, he quickly flew away. Ghost Writer was rather too preoccupied to notice.

* * *

A/N: Credit to Esme Kali Phantom for the "scar me for life" line. It was so befitting of the situation. 


	5. Chapter Four

It should have been no surprise that the monkey had joined his mistress, but Danny couldn't help wondering how it got there. He pushed the thought away; obviously, it was some kind of power. He considered for a moment if they really were ghosts but decided that it didn't matter.

The organ grinder walked slowly along the street, her mask grinning happily. She seemed innocuous enough, but Danny had long since learned that taking things at face value usually resulted in being thrown through the nearest wall. He flew down to hover before her, and she titled her head slightly to indicate puzzlement, or perhaps curiosity. "Who are you?" he demanded.

Although the mask was frozen in a single expression, he had the odd thought that she grinned behind it. "I, _mon ami_?" she replied, her muffled voice full of satisfaction. "A spirit of tragedy, comedy, academia. A follower of Melpomene and of Thaleia. My name, my pet, is Poetic Lament. I seek not to harm, but merely to mend."

"To mend?" Danny raised an eyebrow in skepticism. "You've forced everyone into a Disney movie," he pointed out.

She waved one finger in the air and shook her head. "Really, force? Their minds are in their own hands. I never coerce, but I don't expect a child to understand."

"Hey!" The boy crossed his arms and glared down at her. "What I understand is that you need to stop, now."

With a laugh, the woman shrugged, and her barrel organ disappeared. "For you, my pet, I'll grant no reprieve. When my job is done, then I'll leave. If you think you can stop me, chase me down. But I know a place where I'll never be found." She and Puck removed their hats to sketch a low bow and vanished.

If they were aliens, she might have gone back to the Mother ship. If they were ghosts, she might have gone to the Ghost Zone. Even assuming that was the case, he would never catch up. There had to be an easier way…

He groaned at the sound of barking and shot into the air, but it didn't help. Fiona still managed to pounce on him, knock him to the ground, and start licking his face. "No, hey!" he protested. "Come on! Get off!"

Somewhere beyond the wiggling, furry mass of blatant plot device, he could hear Valerie laughing. "She's a lot better as a sheltie," the girl mentioned.

"She's heavy!" Danny refuted, gasping for air from the dog sitting on his chest. "Fiona, get off, now." Panting in excitement, she complied in order to chase her tail. The boy shook his head and ignored her. "Well, I found who was responsible, and Ghost Writer can't help."

"That's who you went to find?" Valerie confirmed. "Okay, so what do we do?"

"Ghost Writer doesn't seem to like Master," Fiona stopped chasing her tail long enough to remark. "He won't let her write for him."

"But who is he?" Valerie asked.

Danny looked around. "Um, why don't we go back to my house and I'll explain?" Immediately, Fiona took off barking, scattering a flock of pigeons that were not there a few seconds previous. "I'll explain that, too," he said in answer to the girl's questioning look.

* * *

"So they can do anything they want?"

Valerie wasn't quite sure she believed that, but she'd seen too many incredible things to dismiss it out of hand. She glanced furtively at the little black and white ghost dog, lying on the bed next to Danny with her head on her paws. Supposedly, Fiona was weaker than Elegy, and even she could materialize a flock of pigeons from out of nowhere. The hunter girl had experienced, first-hand, the creature's ability to revoke free will. She repressed a shutter.

Danny nodded, also staring at Fiona. She wasn't nearly as annoying as a dog. "What do you know about Lament?" he asked, poking her to get her attention.

The sheltie opened one eye to stare up at him. "She's fun. I like Puck."

"Okay, that doesn't help much…"

Hiding a smile, Valerie broke in. "Where'd she go?"

The little dog blinked and sat up. "You need me?" she asked, hardly daring to hope. Without waiting for any kind of response, she jumped onto the floor and danced around. Her tail wagged so fast, it was little more than a blur that caused her whole body to shake. "I don't know!" she announced. "Probably home!"

"Where's home?" Danny asked, trying to repress a laugh.

"Home is home! Oh! Oh! I'm not allowed to take anybody there, but I bet Ghost Writer could help! If you could go there, you could find Lament! Is that good? That's good, right? I'm doing good?"

"He can't help," the boy reminded her. "He's being attacked by random insanity."

Fiona stopped to wave a paw dismissively. "Oh, please. I'm the Monster of Contrivance! I'm the _queen_ of random insanity!"

"But why help us?" Valerie interrupted. "If she's your master, shouldn't you have to do what she says?"

The creature blinked in confusion and tilted her head. "We do what we want. Besides…" She let her tail and ears droop. "She locked me up and wouldn't let me play. I like Master Danny better!"

Danny shook his head to forestall whatever Valerie was about to say. By the look of supreme amusement on her face, he had a pretty good idea what it would have been. After a second to wrestle with the concept himself, he decided he'd rather not dwell on the change of status. "Okay, Fiona, you're with me. I'll be back soon."

Valerie jumped to her feet. "Oh, no, you don't! I'm not staying behind this time!"

"Look, some of Elegy's creations are really dangerous," he tried to explain. The thought of Insanity came briefly to mind, and he forced it away. That one had been far too much like Silver.

"I can take care of myself! I'm coming with you!"

"I don't want you to get hurt. Just go home."

Fiona sighed, looking between the two as they argued back forth. All she wanted was to go and be helpful. Well, to go, at least. The "being helpful" part was entirely dependant on how much attention she got from Danny, and what it was for. Since she wasn't getting any right then, she decided to take matters into her own paws. A simple twist of reality, and the bedroom door opened to admit Damon who, later, would not remember precisely how he had come to be there.

There was a skip in the ever-present background music as it tried to catch up with the sudden change in events. Fiona was probably the only one who noticed the actual switch from tense drama to low mystique. "Valerie," Damon sang. "It's time to go home!" He grabbed the startled girl's hand and dragged her, protesting, from the room.

"You did this!" she hissed at the sheltie, who returned with an expression of pure innocence.

Danny actually managed to wait until she was out of the room before giving in to the urge to snicker. "Did you do that?" he asked, though he already knew the answer.

Fiona seemed to shrug. "Who, me? Never!" Her wagging tail and lolling tongue gave her away.

The boy shook his head and made a noise that was half sigh and half chuckle. Maybe she wasn't so bad, after all. "Come on. Let's go find Ghost Writer." The little dog barked happily and ran circles around his feet while he transformed.

* * *

A/N: Melpomene the Songstressis the Muse of Tragedy. Thaleia, or Thalia, the Flourishing is the Muse of Comedy and playful poetry.


	6. Chapter Five

Danny glanced around, torn between amused worry and hysterical laughter. The ghosts had formed a conga line outside Ghost Writer's library. There were dancing shrimp and cartoon-style sunflowers that weaved back and forth, singing something in Japanese. Apparently, Lament had eschewed the Broadway theme in favor of old, random anime. He filmed more of Plasmius just because he knew how annoying it would be later before going inside.

Fiona squealed happily and ran forward, barking, to scatter the myriad woodland creatures. Ghost Writer didn't bother to look up; it was just one more distraction until Danny called out. He fixed the laughing ghost boy with an irate glare. "You had to come back, didn't you?" he demanded, shooing a pair of mice from his shoulder. "I almost had everything under control again."

Danny raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, it looks like it," he lied.

Ghost Writer sighed and leaned back, then jerked forward again to knock a squirrel out of his chair. "Back to gloat?"

"Actually, we need your help."

They stared at each other for several minutes while the ghost considered that. It was on his tongue to ask why he should. Then he glanced Fiona, who had stopped barking to growl up at a raccoon in a bridal gown. The raccoon in particular bothered him. It had been dancing around his feet earlier, humming the first four notes of the Wedding March over and over. He glanced back at Danny and sighed. "I assume you have a plan?"

The boy nodded. "Fiona says you can send me to her world."

There was a pause while Ghost Writer registered surprise for some reason. "Not really you, exactly," he corrected, sounding a little bewildered. "More like an avatar…I can certainly try." He paused again to shake his head. "I suppose it's not all that different from capturing you in my little Christmas poem. Very well, but I'll need a distraction."

"Distraction!" Fiona squealed, breaking off from the raccoon to chase her tail excitedly. "Oh, let me! I make good distractions!" Her feet slipped out from beneath her, and she slid across the floor, still rotating slowly, to grin up at Ghost Writer. He chuckled lightly in spite of himself and muttered something about being able to see that.

Danny nodded decisively. "Okay, Fiona. Go." She gave one last happy howl and vanished. "Now, what?"

"Now?" Ghost Writer repeated, going back to his keyboard. "Give me a moment."

The raccoon bride was the first to go, though it was quickly replaced with a groom. The author grumbled something about too much caffeine as a flock of canaries descended upon every available surface. A moment later, the background music faded, followed by the singing of the sunflowers from outside. The roses disappeared. "Oh, blessed silence," Ghost Writer breathed.

Puck suddenly appeared to scatter the canaries. He chattered angrily as they vanished, then screeched and shook his finger at the ghost.

"No," Ghost Writer said brightly as the last of the woodland creatures followed the paths of their fellows. "Time to go back to your master." The creature mooned him as it faded away, prompting laughter from his audience. "Oh, don't laugh too hard. It's your turn, now."

"What do you mean 'my turn'?" Danny demanded. The ghost merely flashed a satisfied smirk, and the world faded away. He found himself in a dark void that was completely silent for about a second before the low voices intruded. The world that faded back into view could easily have been mistaken for Technus' laboratory. The walls and floor of the long hall were a silvery metal, possibly steel. Turning, he found a bright light that looked like some kind of portal shining through a hole in the wall.

"It's a concept," said Ghost Writer's voice. "Not a real place. There's a breach in our world that lets her avatar through, but I have no desire create one in her world. Bad enough they can get here. Don't worry. It's close enough."

"Are you sure?" Danny asked tentatively.

"Just start walking. I'd like to get this over with as quickly as possible." After another moment's hesitation, the boy complied. He could hear shouting ahead, though it failed to prepare him for the complete chaos he walked into.

"Ah! Bunnies! Ah!"

"Catch then; catch them!"

"How'd they get out of the hutch?"

"Hutch? These are from the warren!"

"Oh, crud…Catch them!"

"I'm going to kill that plot device…"

A little boy who looked astonishingly like Macaulay Culkin ran by, screaming at the top of his lungs.

"Panic!" someone yelled. "Go scream somewhere else!"

Danny shook his head slightly. There were rabbits everywhere, and not all them looked entirely normal. Some were large; some were small. Some were normal rabbit colors; others had thrown aside subtlety in favor of pastels. There were flashes of hot pink and neon green in that herd and, dancing among them and, frantically trying to catch them, were vaguely humanoid bits of amorphic fog. He inched along the wall to stay out of the way, wondering where they all came from even as he was forced to agree with Ghost Writer's satisfied laughter. Eventually, his back encountered open air, and he slipped into a large library that was astonishingly quiet considering the noise outside.

"Uncivilized barbarians, are they not?" asked a quiet voice. The boy turned to find himself confronted by an elf. At least, he thought she was an elf; her ears were pointed and somewhat longer than a human's. On the other hand, did elves have such bright red eyes or pale blue hair? She reminded him vaguely of a character from a video game he'd seen once. "Mariel," she said, possibly in answer to his quizzical expression. "Mariel Zeal. Welcome to the graveyard of forgotten characters."

"The…what?" he asked, uncertain that he had heard right.

She laughed and set her book aside to stretch lazily across the love seat. "They're fools, out there," she replied. "Life is an illusion, you see. We are all just puppets of a higher power. Even Elegy herself is nothing but a character in some novel. Even you are. But they? They chase plot bunnies as though it's all out of control, as though it won't snap right back into normalcy the second you and your friend are gone."

For some reason, despite her heavy robes, Mariel reminded him of some Persian princess, languishing on a divan while her suitors begged favors. Then he wondered where that description came from.

"Sorry, that was me," Ghost Writer said, though he didn't sound particularly sorry.

Mariel laughed again, a sound like silver bells. "You're expected, by the way." She waved a lazy hand in the general direction of deeper into the library and went back to her book. After some quiet prompting from the unseen author, Danny continued.

It was an odd place with an eclectic population. There was a giant rat running from a pair of magpies. Once, he saw what looked like a werewolf with bat's wings. At some point, the library became a cave populated by a four-armed people that might have been carved from some black rock. The cave opened onto a mountain range, and he stopped for a moment to stare at the half-human, half-dragon creatures. After that, he found himself on an endless plain walking toward a huge tree. There were no people there, but he thought he saw Puck once or twice. A door at the base of the tree led him back into the lab setting and another herd of escaped plot bunnies.

"No wonder she's capable of such illogic," Ghost Writer muttered. "I'm beginning to wonder if I actually needed that distraction."

"Oh, probably not," Elegy called from somewhere above. Danny looked up to see her rushing across a set of catwalks. She stopped to look over the edge at him. "I would have let you in you'd just knocked."

"Where's Lament?" the boy demanded.

Elegy grinned. "Why? Aren't you having fun anymore?" Before he could think of an appropriate response, she pointed toward a door. "Back in there, waiting. Have fun."

Danny watched her hurry off again before turning his attention to the door. It might have been stolen from the set of Star Trek and, in fact, slid open with a hiss at his approach. Beyond, all he could see was light. Against his better judgment, and possibly at Ghost Writer's prompting, he stepped through.

* * *

A/N: In order of appearance, Panic was just a concept. Mariel Zeal and Rat are from The Thief and the Swordsfrog, which is my only Chrono Trigger fanfic. The magpies were completely random.The winged werewolf was Gabriel Valentine from a Final Fantasy 7 fic that I'm kind of embarrased to claim as mine. The cave and mountain range were from my original world that will probably never be actually written, and were populated by the Shalen'Dari and the Yylon'Dari respectively. The plain was Haven, the home of The Mother and The Father, who are the patron deities of said original world. And the lab setting was just because I like Technus.

I would like to take this moment to apologize and to thank you all for putting up with this bit of self-indulgence. I needed to get it out of my head, though I hadn't actually intended it to be part of this story.


	7. Chapter Six

A low hum, a gentle rumble, and the almost choking smell of hot coal. A faint, reddish light. The heat of a furnace. He thought it was the darkness of that strange void, but it was just a darkened room. He started to walk forward and a clang that coincided with a sudden headache warned him too late of the large pipe in his way.

"Look out," Ghost Writer said helpfully.

Danny rolled his eyes. "Gee, thanks."

Credence Clearwater Revival. His parents had a few of their CDs, and that might have been the only reason he knew exactly what song he heard. More of the human-shape fog drifted in and out among the machinery of a huge engine room, and as they worked, they sang Proud Mary. "Where are we?" Danny muttered.

"Well, there's a door," his unseen companion pointed out. "Go find out."

The workers didn't seem to notice the ghost boy creeping past them, but continued shoveling coal into the huge furnace. He might have been invisible for all they reacted when he tentatively shoved the metal hatch open and slipped out. There was a long, empty hall on the other side that led to a set of stairs and another door. A blast of cold air and the muddy fish smell of a river was potent enough to stop him in his tracks.

It was a boat.

"Steamship," Ghost Writer corrected.

Danny felt himself move forward and look around, and sighed internally. "Would you quit that?" A snicker was his only response. "I thought steamships ran on rivers…"

"Some do."

The boy decided not to pursue the issue. It may have been a river, but he couldn't see the shore. The fog people drifted around or leaned against the railing. A few fog children ran past his feet to bounce up and down in delight at the huge paddlewheel. Turning, he thought he saw Puck disappear up a stairway and ran after him. He followed flashes of a small green vest into the passenger cabin area, down a few more halls, and finally, through a door where he was met by a small, white creature that resembled a cat crossed with a teddy bear.

"Greetings," the being said, spreading its arms. "Welcome to the Core of the World!"

Danny blinked. "The core of the world?" he repeated dubiously. The little creature pointed to the wall behind him, and he turned to see that a picture hung there, next to the door. A faceless crew in some nameless port stood before what had to be the ship he was on. Painted across the side, in big bold letters, were the words, "PS Core of the World."

"The core of which world?" Ghost Writer asked after a moment. The boy was about to point out that it was just the name of the ship when their host laughed.

"Bright, aren't you?" In a seeming change of subject, it continued. "I have many names, but I suppose that you may call me Charon."

The name sounded familiar. "The ferryman?" Danny began hesitantly. "You carry the souls of the dead?"

Charon laughed again. "Oh, no. I carry the souls of those yet to be born as we seek port. You shouldn't be here."

"We're looking for Lament."

"Yes, I know."

There was a pause. "We were told she was here."

"I know that, too."

There was another pause. "Do you know where?"

"Yes," the little creature responded, grinning. At that point, Danny realized that Charon was toying with him, and he probably wasn't going to get any helpful answers. "No, probably not."

Tired of everyone reading his mind, he headed for the door. "Okay, well. We're just going to go find her, now."

"Have fun," Charon called.

"Well, that was essentially pointless," Ghost Writer announced. "Although…" He went silent for several seconds until Danny prompted him to continue. "I'm not sure. Keep looking. Let me think for a minute."

"All this just to find Lament…" the boy grumbled. "I should have just stayed home. It's not like she was hurting anything."

"Speak for yourself! If I had to listen to those stupid roses singing any longer…bad things would have happened. Very…bad things…" Danny repressed a chuckle at his tone and started up another set of stairs. He had just found his way onto the balcony of some grand hall when the author said, "I think I've figured something out. We didn't see Charon in that picture. Or I didn't. Did you?"

"Um, no?" Danny replied, staring up at the chandelier. He idly wondered if the foyer actually fit inside the ship.

"Exactly," Ghost Writer continued. "And those were the passenger cabins, which means that he's not the captain of this vessel."

"You think Lament is?"

"I think it's worth looking."

Danny nodded and took one last look at all the waltzing fog people. "Souls yet to be born," Charon had called them. It was almost transcendental. Then a monkey screeched nearby, and, with a sigh of regret, he turned to follow. He wouldn't have minded watching them further, and he almost regretted not letting Valerie come.

Jumping across the light fixtures, Puck led the way through yet more winding halls. Periodically, they passed fog people in uniform, singing or humming Proud Mary. After a while, he became aware of someone whistling the song and passed through a door into the pilothouse. Even the captain was one of the fog people, but that didn't matter anymore. Danny stared at Lament, playing some kind of harp.

"It's a lyre," Ghost Writer corrected.

"Whatever."

Puck chattered, bouncing up and down; apparently, he thought that was funny. Lament inclined her head in greeting. "Welcome, _mon ami_. I see you've finally come for me. But you disappoint me, Ghost Writer. You're a poet, not a fighter."

"I'll fight when I need to," he retorted. Then, not to be outdone, added, "Your downfall is long overdue."

"Oh, not you, too…" Danny groaned.

The muse stood and made a grand bow that would have put Kat to shame. "Very well, young master. I bow to your will. Only ask it, and I shall be still. You're a worthy opponent, and my time is done. But can you really say you've had no fun?"

The boy thought back to the day before and his impromptu date with Valerie. It probably wouldn't have happened on a normal day. And it had been an education in comedy, watching everyone happily sing and dance, although some of the singing left a great deal to be desired. And he had gotten some nice video of the event, which he would be sure to bring out at the worst possible moment. And, of course, the sight of Ghost Writer with a potted daisy sitting on his head was just priceless.

"Hey!"

Danny snickered. "Okay, it has been pretty fun," he allowed. "But it's time to stop now."

Lament bowed again and gestured him to precede her through the door. The second he crossed the threshold, there was a flash of light, and he was back in Ghost Writer's library.

"…potted daisy…" the author grumbled quietly. He attempted to glare, though the expression didn't quite counter the good humor in his eyes. "Go on, then," he said, waving the boy off. "Before I decide to make you the star of my latest work."

Danny cringed and raced for the door, then paused. "Thanks," he called before slipping back out.


	8. Epilogue

Math was, as usual, the worst part of the day. Danny sat at the kitchen table, listening with more than half an ear to the six o'clock news as it played in the living room. The previous day had gone without any sort of comment from anyone. In fact, aside from passing unnoticed as he rejoined the school after lunch, everything had returned to complete normalcy.

He drummed the fingers of one hand on the table while the other served as a headrest. The meaningless numbers and letters seemed to dance across the page, mocking him their lack of real purpose. He wouldn't ever need to know that sort of thing in real life…

A small nose bumped his leg, and he absently reached down to scratch a furry pair of ears. After a minute, he blinked and glanced down to see Fiona leaning against his leg, her eyes half-closed in canine delight. "You're still here," he said.

She twitched her ears.

"Fiona, you have to go home, now."

She shifted on her front paws and whined slightly. Her tail twitched hopefully.

Danny shook his head. "You don't belong here."

"I could," she protested, jumping up to brace her front paws against his leg. "I'd be the best dog ever, I promise!"

And for a moment, he was actually tempted. The qualities that made her so annoying as a human were almost endearing as a dog. Then he realized that she was trying to exert her influence over him and pushed her away. "Stop that," he chastised her, though not as harshly as he would have a few days earlier. "Look, maybe you can come back and visit some time, but you really have to go, now."

The little sheltie gave a half-hearted chase of her tail and let her ears perk up slightly. "Do you mean it?" she pressed. "Can I really come back?"

"As long as you're not annoying," he quickly clarified. With a happy bark, Fiona jumped into the air and vanished, and Danny returned to his homework with renewed fervor. As soon as he finished, he would be calling the head of the yearbook committee. After all, what yearbook would be complete without pictures of two football jocks and in a teacher in tutus?

* * *

A/N: Next up: I still haven't thought of a frickin' title. Man, that's pathetic. That's usually the first thing I think of. Oh well.

I'd like to thank all my reviewers for taking the time to stroke my ego-I mean, give positive feedback. In particular, I'd like to thank Random, Darkflame, The Sleep Warrior, WingsofMorphius, ToniPendragon, and Katiesparx...er, am I forgetting anyone? I hope not.


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